Overcoming Defeat

I think one of the trademarks of pornography use among LDS men is the constant struggle to overcome it.   Everyone I have ever spoken to about the problem talks about trying to stop viewing pornography.  I, like most, started using pornography and masturbation while I was a young man.  I would constantly struggle to keep it in check and would always be fearful of the times where I had to have interviews with my bishop.  I would work on getting it in check to go on temple baptisms, my mission, BYU ecclesiastical endorsements, etc. I would often get it under control long enough to feel like I was worthy, inevitably to fail and slip back in it.  These relapses only would cause me to feel like I was hopeless in beating this problem.  Until the last few days, I have almost been indifferent to the problem and simply accepted it.

As I write this today, I somewhat feel the same hopelessness I described above.  It seems that no matter what I’ve tried, the problem just doesn’t go away.  Sometimes I blame myself for a lack of trying.  Even when I put forth tons of effort, I may be able to stop indulging for a few weeks or months.  However, it always comes back.  This only causes me to feel hopeless and reinforces the deceits spread by Satan.  I think one of the first things that must happen in order to tackle this challenge is developing some hope. 

Alma taught that in order to develop faith and the word, you must have a seed which develops.   Just like the parable in Alma 32, I have to start a seed of hope that I can beat this problem.  I have to believe that I can do this. Without that first step, it would be impossible to beat this challenge.  I have come to the conclusion that a lack of faith in the possibility of beating this challenge will result in the status quo. 

But what is different this time?  I don’t know.  I have been in enough counseling, talks with Bishops, and read enough books to know that there are some steps to take. This time, I am going to reach out to those around me, and more importantly my Heavenly Father.  The support that comes from others is so critical to succeed.  As part of reaching out, I need to be honest with my wife about my current problems and where I am in the fight.  I am going to get some accountability partners to talk about my struggles.  I am going to read my scriptures more fervently and have more intimate prayers.  I worry somewhat about trying to do too much at one time and thus not doing anything due to being overwhelmed.  Just building hope through prayer and scriptures and reaching out for support is a good starting point.  This will help me to start this fight, and my hope that this is the last start.