Starting to Feel Again

I spent a lot of the last few days cleaning.  My wife wanted to clean out the entire house and get rid of a lot of items.  While we were going through the rooms, sorting through boxes, etc. I found my box of memorabilia from my mission.  While I don’t want to take this entire post to tell my story, it is worth noting that I was sent home on a medical leave for depression thirteen months into my mission.  I was able to return back to my mission, only to come home again five months later.  It really crushed me and sent me off into a spiral.  I think that largely left to a lot of the pornography issues that I dealt with.  After my mission is when they started become a major issue while at BYU. 

But the point of this post is not to dwell on the past.  Rather, I wanted to talk about what were some of the feelings I had when I looked through those items.  I started to feel the Spirit.  I started remembering some of the times where I felt so close to the Lord and was able to take part of that Spirit.  It hit me.  Later that night, I ran some errands on my own and began listening to some church music.  I really started to feel the Spirit.  I honestly had begun to forget what it was like to have the Spirit in my life.  Right now, I think the Lord knows I am trying to get my life in order and get back to the temple.  I have been praying more and trying to listening to what I am supposed to do.  Instead of just giving into Satan with little fight, I am trying to keep myself clean. 

I am not sure what the point of this post was but it has been an emotional couple days.  I think the one point that has been driven home this weekend is the need for the Spirit in this battle.  I can’t just expect to beat this problem without the Lord.  I need that higher power they talk about in the 12 step programs.  The power of my Heavenly Father is so much stronger than the grips of Satan.  I can’t fight this battle alone.  I need Him to be there with me.  For too long, I have stayed away due to my challenges.  Now, I am just going to be open and honest with my Heavenly Father  (not that he doesn’t already know everything).  I need to tell Him what to do to fight this.  I need Him to be by my side.  I need Him. 

With the Lord, I know it is all possible.  I can be worthy again to attend the temple, to be a Priesthood holder, and a good father and husband.  I want that and I think the difference this time is I am willing to put forth the effort and suffer any consequences, pain, etc. that comes with it.  I love my family and the Lord too much not to. 

Sobriety Date: June 7

Days Sober: 8