Our Heavenly Father's Love

It has been a while since I wrote on this blog.  It isn't that I have given up, which would have been my normal response a month into the battle.  I would have often given up and given in to sin.  But right now, I am feeling strong and continue to fight.  I have now been "sober" for over four weeks.  It has been an awesome and freeing experience thus far and I can't wait for it to continue.  

Today I am sitting in church during Sunday School.  I have decided to use my time during Sunday School to go over the LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program guide found here. I know I should be in Sunday School listening to the lesson, but I feel that dedicated time each week focusing on this would be nice.  Being in the church building allows me to have a quiet space free from my son and also to have the Spirit near me.  I think the Lord understands.

One thing I wanted to write about today was a part of the introduction to the recovery guide.  It was talking about the relationship between our Heavenly Father and us.  It was saying that often we are blinded by addiction to the real love of our Heavenly Father.  When we truly understand the love of our Heavenly Father then it will help us overcome the temptations we have.  However, often Satan wants to obscure our relationship with Heavenly Father and make us feel less than worthy.  It ends with a scripture that when we know the truth, "the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32) .  I had a realization that when we know the true nature of our relationship with our Heavenly Father, it will set us free and allow us to overcome our challenges.  I think one of the reason Satan attacks our divine nature is that when we lose sight of our worth, he can attack other areas.  We must know our divine nature and that we are children of God.  This knowledge allows us to really challenge our issues and not let ourselves be less than we are.  That knowledge I feel is key to overcoming addiction.  

Sobriety Date: June 7

Days Sober: 30

The Power of the Priesthood

I believe that one of the things that accompany pornography addiction is shame.  Most men (and women) who are battling addiction and want to remain active in the church are often afraid that others will find out their secret.  Keeping this addiction in darkness often contributes more to the addiction.  In order to really win this battle, I have decided that you have to get others around you to support you.  Satan works in darkness and wants to keep this addiction in the dark.  It is vital that light come to darkness and the addiction.

Accountability is huge. I decided to start talking with more than just my bishop.  I have found that most bishops are busy and are unable to keep up on the accountability piece as well as others.  In addition, I have always felt talking with your bishop is stressful because of the consequences he can give out. Having someone else to be accountable to besides your bishop will take that stress out of the equation.  I have decided to talk with a friend, a brother-in-law, my bishop, and a member of the stake presidency I am close with. I am going to be emailing all of them a weekly update on my progress.  I think that level of accountability and the number of people I would disappoint in a relapse will help.

In addition to the light of accountability, the light of the Spirit is huge. I met with the member of the stake presidency last week.  During that meeting, I was able to feel the Spirit so strong.  At the end, he offered to give me a blessing, which I gratefully accepted.  It was one of the most spiritual experiences I have had.  It was so helpful in developing my faith, especially my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.

It made me think that the Lord knows our weaknesses.  One of the purposes of blessings is to help us in our moments of weakness.  We often give people blessings when sick.  I can’t think of a bigger sickness than an addiction.  I believe that people who struggle with addiction need to access the power of the priesthood.  I plan on asking my friends who are helping me to keep on track for priesthood blessings.  That power of the priesthood is so much stronger than anything that Satan can throw at me.  If I utilize the priesthood, I am sure I can beat this addiction.

Sobriety Date: June 7

Days Sober: 18 (longest in years)

Cheese

I was driving around yesterday and I was thinking a lot about what has happened over the last 15 years since this addiction started.  It has been some tough years in some ways.  Battling this addiction has taken its toll.  When I was thinking about these years, I felt empty.  I felt holes in my soul.  I felt like Swiss cheese.  I started to think what would cause this.

A lot of this has to do with some of the heart breaking things that have happened.  I lost my father to his mental illness.  I lost a lot of my friends due to my depression and anxiety. I get so worked up and anxious about social situations that I don't know how to handle them.  It ends up causing me more pain in the end.  My mission caused me some traumatic experiences and it has really left me wishing for a redo.  I feel like I failed the Lord. 

Thinking about these things at a logical level tell me that I am okay.  But emotionally I feel the holes.  I have heart ache that I haven't gotten over.  I really think that they are affecting my ability to overcome the pornography.  Porn has always temporarily filled the emotional holes, but leaves me even more empty later.  It is  vicious cycle that I want to end.

I only can think of one thing that will fill in those hole: the Atonement.  In some ways, the Atonement has become foreign to me.  It has been so long that I have gone without using it that I have forgotten it's power.  I want that testimony back.  I want to feel His love again.

I am considering going to counseling to try and fill in the holes I am feeling.  This in conjunction with the Atonement may leave me a new man in Christ.  I just am tired of feeling empty.  I want to fill whole.

Starting to Feel Again

I spent a lot of the last few days cleaning.  My wife wanted to clean out the entire house and get rid of a lot of items.  While we were going through the rooms, sorting through boxes, etc. I found my box of memorabilia from my mission.  While I don’t want to take this entire post to tell my story, it is worth noting that I was sent home on a medical leave for depression thirteen months into my mission.  I was able to return back to my mission, only to come home again five months later.  It really crushed me and sent me off into a spiral.  I think that largely left to a lot of the pornography issues that I dealt with.  After my mission is when they started become a major issue while at BYU. 

But the point of this post is not to dwell on the past.  Rather, I wanted to talk about what were some of the feelings I had when I looked through those items.  I started to feel the Spirit.  I started remembering some of the times where I felt so close to the Lord and was able to take part of that Spirit.  It hit me.  Later that night, I ran some errands on my own and began listening to some church music.  I really started to feel the Spirit.  I honestly had begun to forget what it was like to have the Spirit in my life.  Right now, I think the Lord knows I am trying to get my life in order and get back to the temple.  I have been praying more and trying to listening to what I am supposed to do.  Instead of just giving into Satan with little fight, I am trying to keep myself clean. 

I am not sure what the point of this post was but it has been an emotional couple days.  I think the one point that has been driven home this weekend is the need for the Spirit in this battle.  I can’t just expect to beat this problem without the Lord.  I need that higher power they talk about in the 12 step programs.  The power of my Heavenly Father is so much stronger than the grips of Satan.  I can’t fight this battle alone.  I need Him to be there with me.  For too long, I have stayed away due to my challenges.  Now, I am just going to be open and honest with my Heavenly Father  (not that he doesn’t already know everything).  I need to tell Him what to do to fight this.  I need Him to be by my side.  I need Him. 

With the Lord, I know it is all possible.  I can be worthy again to attend the temple, to be a Priesthood holder, and a good father and husband.  I want that and I think the difference this time is I am willing to put forth the effort and suffer any consequences, pain, etc. that comes with it.  I love my family and the Lord too much not to. 

Sobriety Date: June 7

Days Sober: 8

Overcoming Defeat

I think one of the trademarks of pornography use among LDS men is the constant struggle to overcome it.   Everyone I have ever spoken to about the problem talks about trying to stop viewing pornography.  I, like most, started using pornography and masturbation while I was a young man.  I would constantly struggle to keep it in check and would always be fearful of the times where I had to have interviews with my bishop.  I would work on getting it in check to go on temple baptisms, my mission, BYU ecclesiastical endorsements, etc. I would often get it under control long enough to feel like I was worthy, inevitably to fail and slip back in it.  These relapses only would cause me to feel like I was hopeless in beating this problem.  Until the last few days, I have almost been indifferent to the problem and simply accepted it.

As I write this today, I somewhat feel the same hopelessness I described above.  It seems that no matter what I’ve tried, the problem just doesn’t go away.  Sometimes I blame myself for a lack of trying.  Even when I put forth tons of effort, I may be able to stop indulging for a few weeks or months.  However, it always comes back.  This only causes me to feel hopeless and reinforces the deceits spread by Satan.  I think one of the first things that must happen in order to tackle this challenge is developing some hope. 

Alma taught that in order to develop faith and the word, you must have a seed which develops.   Just like the parable in Alma 32, I have to start a seed of hope that I can beat this problem.  I have to believe that I can do this. Without that first step, it would be impossible to beat this challenge.  I have come to the conclusion that a lack of faith in the possibility of beating this challenge will result in the status quo. 

But what is different this time?  I don’t know.  I have been in enough counseling, talks with Bishops, and read enough books to know that there are some steps to take. This time, I am going to reach out to those around me, and more importantly my Heavenly Father.  The support that comes from others is so critical to succeed.  As part of reaching out, I need to be honest with my wife about my current problems and where I am in the fight.  I am going to get some accountability partners to talk about my struggles.  I am going to read my scriptures more fervently and have more intimate prayers.  I worry somewhat about trying to do too much at one time and thus not doing anything due to being overwhelmed.  Just building hope through prayer and scriptures and reaching out for support is a good starting point.  This will help me to start this fight, and my hope that this is the last start. 

A Starting Point

I decided to start this blog not because I feel I am an expert on pornography addiction or recovery.  Rather, I am one who deeply understands the personal dynamics of this problem and the challenges it presents to men in the LDS church.  I have discovered through the last 15 years that I have struggled with pornography and masturbation that it is not an easy journey.  I still am waiting to “beat it”, whatever that means.   It has affected my marriage and worry about the effect it will have on my young son. I have not held a temple recommend in over two years, and deeply miss the blessings of the temple.  I want to feel worthy to use my priesthood to bless my family and others.  But in order for me to feel those ways, I have a journey to take. My journey in some ways starts with this blog. 

This blog is simply meant to express my ideas, thoughts, and experiences.  I really don’t know if anyone will read it (if you are, thank you).  I consider this my own recovery journal with the hope that maybe someone will find something that will help them on their own path.  I hope it will at a minimum give fellow priesthood holders the knowledge that this is a problem across the church and that others are fighting this same fight. 

The idea for this blog came to me tonight after having a night with some fellow brethren in my ward.  We were just hanging out and this topic came up.  I took the risk and shared my struggle with it, and found out another brother was struggling as well.  He said he felt he was the only one in ward with this problem and had felt alone.  He said just knowing there were others helped him to feel better.  I hope that just like him, others find peace in knowing this is a common fight.  Also, just because one struggles with this problem does not mean they are a bad husband, father, priesthood holder or son of God.  I just hope that through the next few months I will be able to find that true peace that only the Gospel can bring.  It is something I want, and something I need. 

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” – John 14:27